Not a Warrior but a Pilgrim

I wrote this at the end of my chemo

 I am uncomfortable with the militaristic language used in cancer treatment - warrior, fight, attack, destroy, etc. Such violent language is more wounding than healing. Instead, I've come to appreciate the image of pilgrimage.

Think hiking the Appalachian Trail or El Camino. A pilgrimage is challenging, testing one's abilities, adaptability, and perseverance. What's more, it is not only physical, but also mental, emotional, and spiritual. We tend to focus on the mountains we have to climb, forgetting that valleys hold the shadow of death.

A few days ago I summited the final peak of an arduous range, completing my chemo. Yet ahead I could see the smaller range of radiation and beyond that, the frequent monitoring, for TNBC is one of the most aggressive. The journey isn't over.

Within a few hours of ringing the bell, I began the descent that comes with toxins in your bloodstream. Then, by bedtime, I'd developed cellulitis in the breast. Starting antibiotics. Please continue prayers/good energy.

 Pilgrimage is a sacred journey which tests the body and purifies the spirit. Cancer treatment can be that as well. It certainly has its ups and downs! There are not only mountains to climb, but to descend - a journey just as arduous, especially when we hit scree, slide out of control, screaming like a little girl! In these times we learn our strengths and our weaknesses; we learn to receive care and compassion from others - a lesson most of us loathe to learn. This is our chance!

I had hoped to work during treatment, but then the covid quarantine hit and I couldn't.  I decided to treat my time as a sabbatical, a time for reflection and inner exploration. I learned more about myself -- didn't always like it -- but it was an opportunity to grow and I hope I have done so.

If we see this time as a sacred journey we can reclaim it positively. There are many spiritual metaphors in the physical journey.  Be open and aware of the ones which speak to you. 

Some books on pilgrimage which you may find insightful:

Cousineau, Phil. The Art of Pilgrimage: The Seeker's Guide to Making Travel Sacred. 

Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Close to the Bone: Life-Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey.

Coehlo, Paulo. The Pilgrimage: A Contemporary Quest for Ancient Wisdom.

McClaine, Shirley. The Camino: A Journey of the Spirit.

Bryon, Bill. A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail.

Stutzman, Paul. Hiking Through: One Man's Journey to Peace and Freedom on the Appalachian Trail.

Strayed, Cheryl. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.

Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Crossing to Avalon: A Woman's Midlife Quest for the Sacred Feminine.

There are many, many others  available, some specific to a particular illness or trail. Use your forced rest to read or listen to some inspiration. On your better days, take a walk on a local trail or stroll through a park.  Some days we drove to the park and I simply sat in the car. Whatever you do, use your journey as sacred time.